Reeling in the years… with Pride

A personal reflection on same-sex marriage, adoption, and acceptance in Mississippi

by Kathy Garner and The Reverend Dr. Susan Hrostowski

For almost forty years, Susan and I have chosen to make Mississippi our home. In the late 1980’s, with one of us a newly ordained priest and the other a government employee, making that choice was not an easy one but one that we both were committed to: being a part of change in our state. I was a native of Hattiesburg and Susan, an Air Force brat whose father’s career ended at Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi when she was 7, had both been involved in social justice advocacy for most of our lives. However, on a personal level, it was too dangerous—personally and professionally—to advocate for ourselves. I grew up as a Roman Catholic, attending parochial school and was very active in the church. Susan, on the other hand, was a cradle Episcopalian and, as a young adult, was in the church whenever the door opened it seemed. We both struggled with our sexual orientation, leading each of us to suppress those feelings in our own ways. Her calling to the priesthood was overwhelming and, with the help of the Reverend Al Mead, she came to understand that all God has for priests are human beings with a variety of gifts and struggles.

For several years, we were good friends and then realized that there was much more there. In 1989, Susan was leaving for a clergy position in North Carolina and had decided that she “just would not be attracted to women.” I had about done the same after a traumatic breakup. Not a convenient time to decide you love each other, but that is exactly what happened. After nine months, Susan moved back to Mississippi and became non-parochial, understanding that the Church in Mississippi at the time would not allow her to be at an altar. As do many lesbians, we moved in together and had a loving household with dogs and cats. After about three years, a good friend—a priest—asked us if we felt we wanted to be joined in marriage. At that time, this was an act that could have ended with that priest being defrocked. A “House Blessing” at our home with about a dozen friends ended with the sacrament of marriage. This priest’s generous yet precarious gift was one of love that we will forever cherish.

Then life happened. I was received into the Episcopal Church by Bishop Gray. We became active in the local church in Hattiesburg, participating in Hallelujah Housing and other community outreach work. Susan went back to school… twice, once to earn a Masters of Social Work and later for a Ph.D. in social work, ultimately becoming a full professor at the University of Southern Mississippi. This provided her the opportunity to fill some of the holes left in her vocation, but not all. I am not prejudiced at all but she was and is a fine priest and supply work helped her meet those needs. I worked as a planner and community developer first for a municipality and then as a consultant. We were fairly closeted but out to our closest family and friends.

As we grew as a couple, I wanted to have children. Susan was reticent because, well, we were in Mississippi and she worried that any child with two moms would be treated poorly. After seven years of prayerful persuasion, Susan and I decided that we would give it a try. Without going into too many details, our son Hudson McLaughlin Garner was born in 2000, and there have never been more blessed parents. Of course, then there we were—two women with a child, and there was no longer a closet that would hold us. Mississippi had, the year prior, passed a law that banned people of the same sex from adopting, so Susan was not able to adopt our son, as was our plan. This was incredibly painful, but our attorney told us to “just love him” which we did wholeheartedly. Our church family at Trinity took us into their hearts and loved our boy too—of course, the best way into mothers’ hearts! Being parents and raising Hudson in the Church made us even stronger in our belief that we made the right decision to stay in Hattiesburg. When Hudson was five, I was blessed to become the Executive Director of the AIDS Services Coalition, a nonprofit working with homeless persons and people living with HIV (PwH) throughout Mississippi. For 20 years, I was incredibly fortunate to work in the areas of my passions—HIV, homelessness, and my church. I became the Chair of the Mississippi Episcopal AIDS Commission and the Mississippi Registrar for the Province IV Ministry on HIV/AIDS, which sponsored an annual retreat for PwH at the Kanuga Retreat Center in North Carolina. For more than 20 years, the Episcopal Diocese of Mississippi provided sponsorship of this incredible ministry that provides respite for 60-70 Mississippians annually. We both became board members of the first LGBT center in Mississippi, The Spectrum Center, and joined in the first Pine Belt Pride Celebration. We never thought that this would be a part of our lives.

After being a non-parochial priest for more than 10 years, Susan was shocked to be offered the position of Vicar at St. Elizabeth’s Episcopal Church in Collins. Given the diocesan policy on gay clergy at that time, she didn’t believe that would be possible, but the bishop approved. At Council that year, when Bishop Gray announced Susan’s appointment as the first openly gay and married priest in our diocese, her welcome was full of joy and many tears by those who had been waiting for such a moment. Susan served in that capacity for eight years before leaving St. Elizabeth’s in the Reverend Brenda McClendon’s very capable hands.

During Susan’s tenure at St. Elizabeth’s, two major Supreme Court decisions brought profound changes to the Episcopal Church nation-wide and to our little family in particular. Obergefell v. Hodges and US v. Windsor gave gay and lesbian couples all the rights and responsibilities of marriage. The legal recognition of same sex marriage was, of course, met with mixed opinions in society as a whole and especially in the church. Many Episcopal congregations spent hours studying scripture, praying, listening, and arguing to discern the will of God on this question. Trinity Hattiesburg met the question head on, and there were some very painful and emotional meetings until they reached the conclusion that God’s love supersedes all else. All people are accepted, affirmed, and included in our church family.

This all happened when Hudson was 14. In the middle of the Windsor case, I on a whim had become a Facebook friend to Edie Windor’s attorney, Roberta Kaplan. I asked her if adoption bans would fall with the win, she messaged back saying that they should, but if they didn’t, she’d take that case. And… she did. Mississippi was the last state with a ban on same-sex adoption. We asked Hudson if he wanted to do this to help other families like ours and he said yes. We received nothing but support from our diocese, St. Elizabeth’s, and Trinity, our home church. It made national and international news cycles. Though most people in our state were supportive, there were also those who made comments that do not deserve to be mentioned here. But we won! Hudson was always Susan’s child, but almost 15 years after he was born, it became legal. Very shortly thereafter, we flew to Washington DC, where we were married in the National Cathedral Bishop’s Garden by Susan’s classmate, with Hudson as our best man. We were full!

Several state legislatures at this time were passing “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” (RFRA) laws—also known as wedding cake laws, but they proposed much more harm than cake. Susan became a plaintiff in the case against HB 1523, Mississippi’s version of this awful legislation. In making this decision, her priesthood was her shield and, again, the support of our church family was critical.

Weaving through our thirty-seven years together, memories have been painful in some ways and joyful in others. Throughout, the Church has been there. Not always as we hoped, but over the years, we have found most of what we need. Hudson has grown into a kind, intelligent and prosperous young man. He and his wife, Trinity, are blessed with faith in God and a strong sense of social justice.

Susan and I are now retired and are continuing, if not increasing, our parish activities. Susan is 68 and I am 66.  Our lives began together at 31 and 29, respectively. Though we have both struggled at times with our place in the Church, we have always felt God’s presence working on us… and the Church! I am Senior Warden at Trinity in Hattiesburg; Susan provides supply work and works with the Calling and Caring Committee. As for how we are fighting for equality in Mississippi, we consider just living our normal day to day lives our biggest contribution, trying to dispel societal myths about gay people. We have lived through an amazing amount of change with regard to our rights as human beings as well as members of the Episcopal Church. Recently, we were overwhelmed to attend a beautiful, huge wedding in the church that was joyfully celebrated without one whiff of controversy. Just a lot of love. It’s incredibly gratifying to see so many families like ours living full and open lives in the community and in the church, something we didn’t think we’d live long enough to see. Thanks be to God!